A typical November, full of anticipation and anxiety. And though all positive, it still keeps me on my toes for hundred million different things, some of which matter a lot, and some - do not at all. I can almost physically feel every other of those thoughts flying around by the autumn wind.
Getting philosophical recently.
It is a pre-Christmas syndrome, hard-coded in the consciousness as the time for unforced honesty and harmony with yourself. Time for redemption, letting things go and wholeheartedly asking for something new and light in the upcoming year. It is so conditional, yet so sincere somehow. But in the end, isn't everything sincere to some degree conditional? So back to unanswered questions: long-gone and elementary topics such as our behavioural patterns, post-trauma search for purpose & identity keep coming back and making me uncomfortable. I thought I have done this so many times.
It is still a vicious circle of unnecessary drama, uncontrollable hormones and extreme dependency on how the surrounding society sees you. Because ultimately, the society, including family and friends, is the one that rates you, accepts or declines your image - without their perception you are ultimately of no importance, if anyone at all. Someone just for oneself that has not passed any validation. Even the individual artists with extreme viewpoints on this are applauded, but aren't they also highly dependent on the view and appreciation of those who gives them the applauses?
It is weird, this validation need, as if knowing on our own whether we are good or bad is not enough. The public resolution is needed to officially exist - this is a fun person, this is an intellectual one. It does not even have to be true, if you are not comfortable with what you are, you just project yourself differently. Afterwards you get used to that new image and stay there, driving the real self to the state of deep irreversible amnesia.
And if you develop this hypothesis a bit further, you land on the concept of the happiness pattern imposed by the society layer on your already validated self. You go after rated achievements, tick the checkpoints, indirectly ask for approval, then do whatever and be happy with it. Because your projected image now has to live the life the society has framed around it. Whether you want that life or not. If you do - then you scored in this one of the worlds. If not - well. It seems less painful to live through it when you convince yourself this is what you really needed and start enjoying it at its full. It is a sort of "happiness on autopilot". And it is like a drug.
I think happy are those, who do not know they are addicted. And also those who recognized it on the face and made it through by understanding what really it is they are after. There should be a lot of people who are genuinely happy with no autopilot functionality, but generally that has costed them something precious.
I did not make it through either. I am one of those, that got knocked out of it against my will. And what strikes me is: it really is like Matrix, but the blue pill is morbidly absent. So once I am out, it really is hard to get back in. And it is scary to get back in: the aesthetical self screams, the ethical one wears the judge's wig. (I am Gemini, I am supposed to be bipolar, ok?)
Smells a bit like a teenager.
A typical November, full of anticipation and anxiety.
There is the instinctive feeling of an upcoming closure, pressing on "self-performance review" buttons, out of my volition. But hey, I am gonna cheat on my demons this time and instead of the annual review with me, myself and I on "Achievements and fuck-ups 2017" with the full peer benchmarking exercise, I am gonna pack my backpack, switch on the "lousy globetrotter" mode again and go hiking around Amazon (the real one, with trees) and up to Inca Trail Track. I planned it as a soul-searching adventure, but Ms Paris shook her head in dismay and protested: you haven't lost it! Maybe you got it slightly damaged.
Ms Paris's opinion matters, so I gave in and repositioned: soul-healing venture for saying hello to Inca's old spirits, ayahuasca (maybe) and the mountains - emerald green, serene, ancient. The pagan highlander in me believes that the part of my identity is forever tied to the mountains and the Gods living on their top - the global citizen of 21st century likes to extend the idea of mountains from Caucasus to just "any mountains", as long as they are high, half rocky, half green. So I can keep visiting the Gods on the top...
It is a pre-Christmas syndrome, hard-coded in the consciousness as the time for unforced honesty and harmony with yourself. Time for redemption, letting things go and wholeheartedly asking for something new and light in the upcoming year. It is so conditional, yet so sincere somehow. But in the end, isn't everything sincere to some degree conditional? So back to unanswered questions: long-gone and elementary topics such as our behavioural patterns, post-trauma search for purpose & identity keep coming back and making me uncomfortable. I thought I have done this so many times.
It is still a vicious circle of unnecessary drama, uncontrollable hormones and extreme dependency on how the surrounding society sees you. Because ultimately, the society, including family and friends, is the one that rates you, accepts or declines your image - without their perception you are ultimately of no importance, if anyone at all. Someone just for oneself that has not passed any validation. Even the individual artists with extreme viewpoints on this are applauded, but aren't they also highly dependent on the view and appreciation of those who gives them the applauses?
It is weird, this validation need, as if knowing on our own whether we are good or bad is not enough. The public resolution is needed to officially exist - this is a fun person, this is an intellectual one. It does not even have to be true, if you are not comfortable with what you are, you just project yourself differently. Afterwards you get used to that new image and stay there, driving the real self to the state of deep irreversible amnesia.
And if you develop this hypothesis a bit further, you land on the concept of the happiness pattern imposed by the society layer on your already validated self. You go after rated achievements, tick the checkpoints, indirectly ask for approval, then do whatever and be happy with it. Because your projected image now has to live the life the society has framed around it. Whether you want that life or not. If you do - then you scored in this one of the worlds. If not - well. It seems less painful to live through it when you convince yourself this is what you really needed and start enjoying it at its full. It is a sort of "happiness on autopilot". And it is like a drug.
I think happy are those, who do not know they are addicted. And also those who recognized it on the face and made it through by understanding what really it is they are after. There should be a lot of people who are genuinely happy with no autopilot functionality, but generally that has costed them something precious.
I did not make it through either. I am one of those, that got knocked out of it against my will. And what strikes me is: it really is like Matrix, but the blue pill is morbidly absent. So once I am out, it really is hard to get back in. And it is scary to get back in: the aesthetical self screams, the ethical one wears the judge's wig. (I am Gemini, I am supposed to be bipolar, ok?)
Smells a bit like a teenager.
A typical November, full of anticipation and anxiety.
There is the instinctive feeling of an upcoming closure, pressing on "self-performance review" buttons, out of my volition. But hey, I am gonna cheat on my demons this time and instead of the annual review with me, myself and I on "Achievements and fuck-ups 2017" with the full peer benchmarking exercise, I am gonna pack my backpack, switch on the "lousy globetrotter" mode again and go hiking around Amazon (the real one, with trees) and up to Inca Trail Track. I planned it as a soul-searching adventure, but Ms Paris shook her head in dismay and protested: you haven't lost it! Maybe you got it slightly damaged.
Ms Paris's opinion matters, so I gave in and repositioned: soul-healing venture for saying hello to Inca's old spirits, ayahuasca (maybe) and the mountains - emerald green, serene, ancient. The pagan highlander in me believes that the part of my identity is forever tied to the mountains and the Gods living on their top - the global citizen of 21st century likes to extend the idea of mountains from Caucasus to just "any mountains", as long as they are high, half rocky, half green. So I can keep visiting the Gods on the top...
