Evening schizophrenia

I have this little girl living inside my head. She is the kid version of me, the one I did not want to let go when I was growing up. You know, big-eyed, long waivy-haired with lucid skin and loud laughter. And though I placed her there to keep me entertained and, well, remind me of my true essence, sometimes she overtakes the kingdom and starts being the ruler creating all sort of a mess around. And we end up at a negotiating table: me and myself…

This is what I imagine, when I think about making peace or being in harmony with myself. And since lately I feel like more work needs to be done for that, it just means the little girl is unhappy about something.

Lately I have put a lot of effort in creating the stability and complying with the accepted standards including all the needed checkpoints that are considered normal at a certain period of life. I am not doing as bad in that as I totally could, knowing the enormous potential I have in destructing things at their root. It takes a lot to build the stable ground and learn to stand on it – mostly it takes a lifetime.

But I seem not to be able to cope with the well-defined stability when it is already built and all I need is to keep my balance on it. It feels stagnant and so complete and perfect, that I do not have anything to do with it any more other than to pollute it with my sheer presence. I know it sounds dramatic, but that is how it feels. That is how she feels, the artsy side of mine… And then she takes over, crushes my balance and destroys my ground. She asks for more, instantly devaluing all the assets put together in so much time and effort. What was initially the point, suddenly becomes naught and hangs with heavily pressing emptiness in the chest. I sink to the very end. And frankly, it is not always my inherent choice, it just tends to happen all the time.

Looking at it from the past, every time I got up and went up the mountain again, I ended up building my base somewhere higher, at a risk of a less oxygen, but the trajectory of the movement over time was upwards in the end. Upwards, as long as I refuse to give up. Perhaps, I am starting to get it: the praised stability eliminates the change and evolution of me, which in my subconscious understanding is stagnation. And I am apparently intolerant to it, so I make myself move, if not upward, then rolling downward to the abyss into the overarching mess. I wonder when this went so wrong :)

And I wonder if the simplicity really is the ultimate sophistication, why can’t I simply enjoy dealing with simple things? Why do I need to be complex myself and attracted to complexity? To be challenged to solve it as if a huge puzzle or an endless math problem with multiple unknown variables, practically impossible to solve (also because it has so many solutions, one might spend the whole life trying to derive them all)? Or maybe, I still believe there is more value to be derived from the complex elements than the simple ones? And because once you get to know the beauty of the complexity it is hard to stay intact with simplicity? Questions, questions…

I know answers to some, and I do not want to know the answers to others. I just want this kid to calm down and finally hold my hand. I wish I could promise her all she wants.

P.S. I cooked a nice meal for myself today. Wow. Evolution is on the way.